Help Me, Professor Kokonoe!

“Help Me, Professor Kokonoe!” (助けて！ココノエ博士) is a new omake (like Teach Me, Miss Litchi!) in BlazBlue: Continuum Shift where Kokonoe Mercury gives advice to the playable characters so they can reach their true ending. These episodes are revealed when the playable characters have a bad ending.

“Help Me, Professor Kokonoe!” is very much like “Teach Me, Miss Litchi!” in that it bears seemingly as much humor as sensibly possible. Kokonoe indirectly breaks the fourth wall frequently, particularly during Lambda’s segment, where she attempts to wrap up the show almost immediately on the grounds that she controls Lambda anyway. When Tager disputes this, she screams “What was that!? I don’t think your friends on the other side of the monitor can hear you!” For some of the later segments, Kokonoe starts by claiming the show is a love clinic rather than a counseling room for assisting characters in reaching the proper ending to their story lines. Response to this by the characters is often awkward and humorous.

Episodes

 * Ragna: In Ragna’s segment, he remembers a black mist engulfing Kagutsuchi as Kokonoe then tells him he not only destroyed Kagutsuchi, but also destroyed the entire planet (and cannot be sold) and failed. Then, both of them are arguing about Kokonoe’s attitude being so straightforward. Kokonoe advises him to pay more attention to the warnings that come from others, like Rachel and Jūbei, and to not rely on the dark powers of the Blue so much. Since he will forget what happened in this segment and her advice, Kokonoe assures him that his “big friend” on the other side of the monitor will remember for him.
 * Jin: Out of the entire episodes, Jin’s the only one who refuses to listen to Kokonoe’s advise despite her warnings of not getting out her place if he kills her. Fed up of Jin’s attitude and freezing her once, she throws Ragna into the fray, causing Jin to refocus his attacks on him, much to Ragna’s dismay. After that, Ragna begs Kokonoe to give Jin some advice since he “has enough for today”. Also, when he first speaks, Kokonoe says “And stop speaking like Hakumen!” (apparently due to the fact Jin and Hakumen are thought to be one and the same).
 * Noel: After Noel’s poem segment, Noel is upset that she gets a bad ending and being commented by Kokonoe that her poem’s bad. To cheer her up, Kokonoe says she feels sorry for her because even though she is the heroine, she will die if she makes one wrong choice, leading Noel to ask Kokonoe what’s the chance of her living in the story, but Kokonoe responds that it’s impossible. Her advice is to listen to Jūbei’s advice in the story in order to progress. Noel then notices that both of them are friends, since both of their breasts are flat, and that they share a special bond, which makes Kokonoe angry, and hits her out of the lab.
 * Rachel: At the beginning of the show, Rachel makes the room smell like roses, something that Kokonoe complains about. Once Kokonoe was already fed up about her aristocratic attitude, Rachel calls out Valkenhayn (and later Nago and Gii), and out of the blue he appears, making Kokonoe wonder how he manages to get in her lab in the first place. Kokonoe then gives her some advice that Rachel should be nicer, since her attitude is more onto the “mean on the outside and nice on the inside”. But Rachel tells her that she is not in a position to give her advice to her on kindness since both of them are 100% mean, which both of them deny, making Tager and Gii assume it is a scary thought if they are nice.
 * Taokaka: Taokaka comes to her lab and ask her for some advice with the help of Mr.I-Love-To-Skip from BlazBlue Radio in order for her to get the true ending. Kokonoe’s advice is that she should stick close to Ragna since she has a tendency to forget. After that, Taokaka notices the silvervine candy Kokonoe’s holding and Kokonoe gives it to her. However, the side effect on Taokaka is she talks normally and smarter, making Kokonoe assuming she is trying to change her attitude (although Taokaka retains her obsessive fascination with breasts). The effect does not last long as smoke comes out from her head and she returns to normal. After she leaves, knowing that silvervine candy was dangerous to the Kaka tribe, Kokonoe decides to destroy it.
 * Tager: Unlike the other episodes, Kokonoe decides to be nice and perky for this episode, since she worries that the viewers would get bored at the same thing over and over again. She retains her manners until Tager raises the “Izayoi” topic. After giving Tager some advice about making his own decision and Tager left her place, Kokonoe tells the viewers that it is the end of the episode and she is going to scold someone.
 * Litchi: Kokonoe is relieved to see her since all of the people who enter her place are “verified nutbar” and are wasting her time. After Litchi brings her cake, Kokonoe seems flustered, and replies that “she brought her something special, so she is got something special in her pants for her” receiving an immediate reply from Litchi not to say easily misunderstood things like that. After the advice part is over, Litchi and Kokonoe play out a run at home-shopping channel on TV, selling an Arakunedroid (a.k.a Irresistible Arakune) on special discount. Sadly, the android turns out to be a failure, since the android’s attitude is way off and not like the original. After ditching the robot, Kokonoe gives Litchi some advice to calm down before she makes any rash decisions, but Litchi sternly says that Kokonoe is the one who against her decision. Kokonoe, at a loss for words or even an explanation, remarks that she is also a robot and walks off screen, forcing Litchi to end the episode herself.
 * Arakune: Since the ending ended on such a high note, Arakune becomes “The Irresistible Arakune”, since it is much easier for Kokonoe to deal with. Kokonoe noted that whenever a player sees him, they start “shitting bricks” the moment he shows up in the match (due to his insane combo hits). Kokonoe’s advice is to not meet Litchi, since “Her boobs spell death for him”. When Kokonoe brings up the subject that he acted so cool in front of Litchi, he reverts to his normal self. After he leaves, Kokonoe was almost attracted to the “Irresistible Arakune” but then noticed the mess he made when he leaves. She then calls in Tager, dressed as a maid, to clean up the substance left by Arakune. Taking this time to test out an experimental function, Kokonoe turns Tager into a vacuum cleaner and cleans up the mess, and was thinking of selling the idea to people.
 * Bang: Due to Bang’s loud entry, Kokonoe shows him the exit without giving him advice, due to the fact she just met him, and he acted like some kickass and Bang nearly making a statement that he is trying to make-out with Kokonoe like some ladies’ man. Kokonoe advises him not to kill Jin since doing that will bring the Black Beast back to life. She even expected it from a ninja like him, since he attacks Jin when he was injured badly. Before the show ends, Kokonoe advises him not to come back to her lab, or she will give Rōnin district a bunch of Western foods to him.
 * Carl: When Kokonoe says that Carl’s life is crap, he denies this… but when he speaks to Ada Clover (which Kokonoe called Nirvana), she agrees with her. Also, Carl says “I think I’m having deja vu” when Kokonoe asks him to mimic Rachel Alucard (which he had already done in “Teach me, Miss Litchi!”). Somehow, Kokonoe understood what Nirvana says with all the “dot dot dot” (In reality, her subtitles are communicate in a form of Ellipsis).
 * Hakumen: Hakumen was shocked to see himself back in her lab, as he does not want to be there. Due to his attitude, Kokonoe abuses him by advising him to have more calcium, drink some milk and eat fish, and even mocking him of his wrong decision. As Hakumen leaves her lab angrily, and promises he will not come back, Kokonoe attempts to modify him when he does comes back, due his attitude ruining this gag routine. However, he comes back knowing he heard her say it, but leaves when Kokonoe denies it.
 * Lambda: Slacking, Kokonoe decides to end the episode, until Tager stops her since she cannot just cut corners and not even give Lambda any advice even though Kokonoe controls her. Kokonoe keeps avoiding the subject as far as breaking the fourth wall. Giving up, Kokonoe tells Lambda to entrust her decision and leaves, making Tager end the show for her.
 * Tsubaki: After Tsubaki’s report segment, Kokonoe was amazed that she is a lively one, and wonders if any of her Controlling Organization members are like her. Kokonoe’s advice to her is to not to abuse the Izayoi. Tsubaki quickly changes her outfit into her battle outfit, making both of them break the fourth wall saying that there’s no transformation sequence and the scene has to be cut. Kokonoe goes silent as it was too easy since people who show up in her place wasted her time. To do so, Kokonoe decides to reveal parts of her profile. Tsubaki tells her “no Order-Sol jokes” when Kokonoe commented of her Install Drive. Kokonoe was surprised that she likes historical drama, and even commented that most of her moves are based on historical drama, such as saying “In the name of the law” or “Your Judgment has come”. Tsubaki tries to block her mind from not hearing what Kokonoe says, proving it is true. Tsubaki asks if this makes her a weirdo, but Kokonoe says it does not. To end the episode, she asks Tsubaki to say her catchphrase. When the curtain comes down, it turns out that Kokonoe lies, saying that Tsubaki is a weirdo after all.
 * Hazama: Hazama shows up in his high and arrogant entrance, only to be ignored and end the show quickly by Kokonoe. Hazama stops her from doing it, making Kokonoe resume the episode, telling him that her lab is not for fighting and jackasses like him should know about it, going as far mocking of him of not seeing his “green-ass”. Fed up with Kokonoe’s trolling towards him, he threatens her, but she threatens him back: if he says that again she will “fill all his holes with her special candy”. Knowing that both of them do not want Hazama to be in her lab, they ceasefire and Kokonoe gives him advice on how to defeat Ragna, since he is a boss character and the game should be harder. After he leaves, Hazama gives a sly remark of her and her lab, making Kokonoe snap hearing it. She turns off the lights, and attacks Hazama with some sort of device that “will send him to the other edge of the Boundary”, ending the show.
 * Makoto: Makoto arrives, still under the impression that her mind is being tortured by Relius. After Kokonoe snaps her out of it, Makoto tries to get advice from Kokonoe, who changes the subject abruptly towards Makoto’s endowments compared to her own lack thereof, invoking a bust chart to further drive the point. Makoto reassures her that she is probably a late bloomer, to which Kokonoe replies that she’s too old to start growing a pair. The advice Kokonoe gives to “Tits McGee” amounts to “trust your friends and don’t lose your fights”.
 * Valkenhayn: Valkenhayn enters, and Kokonoe tells him to not be so overprotective towards Rachel, and that will lead him to the true ending. Afterward, Kokonoe snaps and laments that she is not a playable character, questioning Valkenhayn about what it takes to become playable. Valkenhayn is at a loss for words, but assures her that Arc System Works is likely saving her for when BlazBlue has grown old and tired out, saying that her becoming playable would be the one thing that could save the franchise.
 * Platinum: Platinum enters, but is asleep. Kokonoe kicks her, and she awakens as Luna. Luna insults and teases her, but quickly falls asleep again. Trinity then takes over, and chats with Kokonoe regarding Jūbei and Konoe. Trinity says that Jūbei did an alright job with raising Luna and Sena, but Kokonoe says otherwise. Trinity then compliments her in regards to the traits she inherited from Konoe, then restores control to Luna and Sena, pleading with Kokonoe to treat them nicer for a little bit. Kokonoe then tells Luna and Sena to focus on Jūbei’s mission. '
 * Relius: Relius enters, and starts surveying Kokonoe’s laboratory. Kokonoe is none too pleased, expecting him to “beg for mercy like the rest”. Relius calmly assesses the situation, which puts off Kokonoe as she seems to have somewhat enjoyed the other characters’ resistances to her advice. Kokonoe then advises him to “spend some more quality time with his son”. Relius agrees, and heads out.